This post is going to be different than previous posts, mainly because I don’t have a plan for it. I have so many things running through my head and I need to sort them all out, but I feel like there is a need to make some things public so you all aren’t in the dark about what’s happening in my life. Fair warning, a lot of this may just be me rambling. I’ll try my best to make it cohesive because there is a purpose for this post, but I’m also probably going to just be writing for the sake of sorting my own thoughts out. You’ve been warned.
I’ve been candid about a lot of things on social media. I try to be as transparent as possible because I think it’s important, but I do keep some things private because I’m not in the business of being negative or complaining about things. It’s not my style.
All of that being said, the last few months have been very very hard for me personally. Over the past few years, I’ve gone through a lot of stuff. I’ve shared some of those things on a surface level, but the impact these things have made on me are far deeper than I’ve shared or even realized, myself, before the last few months.
While good things have happened in the last couple of years- becoming a mom, moving to Tennessee, landing my dream job, etc.- there have been a lot of challenges. I don’t want to list everything off at the risk of sounding like I’m wallowing, because I’m not. I understand I am very lucky to have the life I have; however, that doesn’t negate the fact that there are some things that I really need to figure out and work on because, to be honest, I am drowning.
I am constantly feeling the pressure of being the perfect person in every facet of my life and it is exhausting. I love posting videos. I love writing blog content. I love working out. I truly enjoy all of these things. It is exhausting, however, to give 100% of my effort and time into something and feel like it isn’t good enough. This isn’t even just about my channel or my site. There are things happening in my real, personal life that leave me feeling like this as well and I am tired.
Being on social media is hard. I’m sure it sounds like a total first world problem (because it is), but it isn’t easy. And sure, I did it to myself. I chose to put my life out for people to read and see. It is so easy for anyone, however, to focus on what social media shows us without realizing that it is total bullshit. People share the good things. They share the pictures they look good in. They share the vacations and the good food and the happy things. No one shares the real stuff. No one posts their face the morning after a night spent crying. No one posts anecdotes about how they want to sometimes just run away and never come home because parenting their child has turned into a nightmare. No one posts pictures of themselves at an unflattering angle without some sort of “LOVE YOURSELF ALL THE TIME SEE I HAVE ROLLS TOO” agenda. While those posts are great, my point is that, if someone shows something negative, there’s always a positive agenda behind it. Being positive is important, but a lot of times it’s just not real life. AND THAT IS OK.
Perhaps the most frustrating part about this is that I KNOW these things and I still get wrapped up in how perfect my life needs to be because of the things that I see. How insane is that? It’s because competition is in my blood. My whole life I’ve always wanted to do everything and be the best and whatever I did. Half the reason I’ve gotten into some of the things I do is because I see someone is good at it and I just want to be better than they are. It’s so stupid. It’s taken over my life and it’s come to a point where a lot of me doesn’t even know what I actually like. I do things I’m good at because I’m good at them, but do I even LIKE doing them? I really don’t know. And it’s that need to be perfect all the time and not even knowing if I enjoy the things I feel like I need to be perfect at that has just completely drained me.
I don’t feel like doing anything. I function because I’m a creature of habit and I have responsibilities and a routine. Get up, workout, get dressed, get Maddie ready, go to work, pick her up, go home, cook dinner, put her down, go to bed. It sounds productive, but it scares me because I’m only productive out of necessity. I am so tired that I go through the motions and I can pass myself off as a functioning adult when, on the inside, I’m shut down.
So why does this matter to anyone? Well, honestly, it’s personal enough so I really shouldn’t care what other people think. I do know, however, that there are a lot of you who keep up with my content. I want to say that I 100000% with every fiber in my being appreciate you and everything you do for me and my blog and my channel. It is incredible to me that so many people care about what I have to say and that’s a big part of the reason why I’m writing this post. Let me make it clear that I am NOT going away. Like I said before, I enjoy posting content and that’s not something I want to give up. I do think, however, that it’s important for me to cut myself a little bit of slack and figure out how to not be so damn hard on myself. Part of that is going to be allowing myself to relax a bit with the Carrie Crista brand. Like I said, videos will still be posted, blogs will still be written. I’m not falling off the face of the planet or anything, but, as I navigate through the things I’m dealing with in my personal life (there is a lot more than even what I’ve written out today), I’m asking for a little bit of patience and grace.
That’s all I’ve got for now.